Robbie Sells Rex

Robbie Sells Rex

 You know, I think Andre might be the protagonist of this show. I'm really starting to consider that he's the best character. While other characters may be generally consistent (Jade) or have frequent high points (Cat, Robbie), Andre is just always in his own world doing his thing. He's got a consistent character that's funny without being unrealistic or having a specific wacky aspect to cling to.

                 anyway. This episode isn't about Andre at all.

  So some music producer comes to the school to give a half assed speech to 20 kids, but while he's there he says "Ay robbie how about you come to my house and be sure to bring your puppet that hasn't been in the show for seven episodes". So Robbie does this, and he also brings Cat and straightens his hair. Let me just interject here to say that Matt Bennett has been hitting the gym lately you can tell. Bet you thought I woulden't notice matt- but I did. 

so the guy has this kid. And the kid is like an asshole or something. It's weird that a show about clearly wealthy teens still paints rich people as assholes, but who am I to judge. So this asshole kid is like "look I really like your puppet I'll pay you two grand for it" and Robbie is like "ya I'll think about it" and panics. 

            so this show manages to read my mind again. Tori says "I think Robbie should sell it, It's not normal for him to be dependent on it" and Jade immediately calls her shit by questioning why she revived the 'dead' Rex in season 1 or two or whatever.  So Rex (the puppet who is connected to Robbie) convinces Robbie to sell.. himself (Rex). So Robbie gets two grand and the asshole kids new puppet (Voiced by Dan Schneider in a way that makes me uncomfortable in a way that he didn't intend it to), but he goes crazy or something? It's just a really stupid scene. He starts hearing Rex and can't sleep and generally goes absolutely bonkers over the loss of his puppet, I dunno. It's just kind of dumb and way too over the top. It comes off less funny than it should just because it paints Robbie as having a very legitimately troubled mental state.

 oh hey here's one of the B plots. Sikowitz has some other asshole kid (a girl who is his neighbor) who keeps throwing eggs and assaulting him. He calls the police on her and the mother tries to apologize so her daughter doesn't get taken to Juvie, but hold on

So they take this girl and have her hook up with the other 12 year old, and the asshole boy 12 year old immediately stops caring about Rex and fucks this girl. I don't know what they would have done if he just didn't give up the puppet? Why would they assume he would not care at all about it anymore? Who cares. Robbie gets Rex back and there's a joke that alludes to Rex and Robbie having a romantic relationship. It is as odd as you would expect a subplot about a 17 year old fucking a puppet in a children's show to be. 

Okay hey here's the real B-plot. There's a mysterous masked and costumed man going around Hollywood Arts throwing flour in people's faces. The gang who isn't involved in the A-plot strives to track him down (in particular Jade) and generally it involves a lot of people getting hit with flour. At the very end of the episode Cat tackles him after the rest of the game corners him. They remove his mask and find that it's just an incredibly casual guy from another school who throws flour at people just because he's kind of bored. But he's not an asshole about it. Everyone shrugs and says variations of "well.. alright then." and they casually go off walking in their own ways- the flour thrower going unpunished and everyone else being vaguely let down with the incredibly benign outcome. It's actually probably one of the best B-plots inthe show, and it's got such a good ending to it. The flour bomber seems like as much of a real person as anyone else in the group.. they just don't really know him. It's funny, and subverts the shows over the top nature.

It's a good episode, everyone has something to do, and a lot gets done in the shows short timeframe. Robbie's freakout is the low point of the episode, but other than that it's very consistently good. I'll give it an 8/10

Side Notes:

• Bibble (Cat's snack) is brought up again. I say again, because apparently it's in one of the TV movies I didn't watch.
• Here's some British 10 year old's review of the episode I got from the Victorious Wiki: one of the worst epi come on robbie should have sold rex for g also the fact that he got another stupid puppet sucks i mean come on robbie needs to undersatand that puppet are not human and needs to grow up its a bleeding dumb pupett how can u miss a dull so stupid this episode is getting a 0 rating y make another episode about this stupid crap unreasitic annoying vdumming no wonder some ppl may this robbie anyways thtas my review tommy boy out peace im never watching this crap episode again

One Thousand Berry Balls

One Thousand Berry Balls

   The A-Plot of this is garbage. Or maybe it's the B-plot. It's not really clear. The berry balls one. It's bad.

                   also, hey remember in season 2 when it seemed like a pretty big piece of worldbuilding where Tori is shocked that Hollywood Arts doesn't have a prom and everyone else replies it's just no big deal? Yeah, probably because they have fifty other dances during the year. There are like three a season.

  Alright so Tori is strapped for cash. I'm not really sure if Hollywood Arts is supposed to be a private school the students pay for or not, but whatever. Andre asks her what she needs money for anyway, and she gives the response "yunno clothes and makeup and stuff". She could have just said "yunno to move the plot along" and it would have the same impact. Andre hooks her up with a job and literally all she has to do is hand out free samples to get $100 in a single shift, but she isn't nearly charismatic enough to do this so she ends up putting all the free samples (of frozen yogurt mind you) inside of her hat. Not in the trash or a local plant or anything, just on top of her own damn head. They end up melting all over her, but I guess the boss is a dumbass because she quickly explains "It's just my makeup running!" and he pays her. I mean honestly this plot would work and probably be funny in an episode of Drake and Josh or something (like the sushi episode), but it just drags on and is never really sells it's jokes. It's honestly one of if not the the worst scenes of this entire show- not because it doesn't make sense or anything, it's just not good. The Gorilla Club was pretty awful, but at least the premise for that was nonsense.

   Is that over? Thank god. Meanwhile Robbie attempts to ask Cat to the prom. Or not the prom. It's called something else, and it's supposed to be a combination of cowboy and Hawaiian themed, so it's got some name about that. So Robbie is trying to ask Cat to the prom, but Cat runs away from him. He ends up tracking her down only to tell her that he asked another girl to the dance because Cat kept running away from him. Now she's angry.
   So at the prom Cat is like "heyo Shinjin (the rapist) I am going to fuck you" and Shinjin (the rapist) is like "finally" but hey surprise she's just doing it to get back at Robbie. And Robbie is just genuinely having a good time for once with a girl who appreciates him, but Cat gets RKOed while dancing and asks Robbie to comfort her. He does this by pushing his face against her face in a movement which I have been told is the loving embrace of a kiss and she runs away again.
   Are you concerned about Robbie's date? Well don't be, Sinjin (the rapist) does a sock puppet show for her.

           oh and there's a song and dance at the end but who cares.

      So overall this is a pretty polarizing episode. The A-plot is so bad. But the B-plot is good and fun. Normally I would rate this lower, but a user named "Cabbie_rox2me" commented on the Victorious wiki in 2013 that this was her favorite episode, so I'll have to give it an 8/10.

 

 
Side Notes:

• From this point on Robbie and Cat are mostly characterized as being in a relationship together? It's never really said, but I think that's kind of how they treat it.
• Sinjin (the rapist) gets kind of a happy ending here. This isn't the last appearance of his character, but the episode ends with a girl taking a genuine interest in him and sharing his humor. He hits on Jade later on in the season still, but I like to picture this as his canon ending.
• This is Lane's (the school counselor) last episode. Kind of sad, he was a nice character. Sikowitz is obviously the more prominent "adult" role in the show, but Lane works as kind of the "Responsible adult" that gets brought back when he's needed. His whole lotion thing is never really explained, but I appreciated scenes where he was featured.  He's kind of goofy without having to be loud or 'random' or anything. This isn't nearly a serious (or well written) enough show to warrant any of the characters having to have a serious conversation with an adult about anything, but if it were it's clear Lane would fill that role.

Tori Fixes Beck and Jade

Tori Fixes Beck and Jade

   Well. Not really. In fact she tries to do the exact opposite. But she is there to stand and watch as they fix their own relationship.

  This is one of the few episodes where anything lasting happens, so lets get into it. 

            alright actually just like fuckin hold on here. So Beck goes to Tori and is like "This girl wants to date me" and she's like "Ok so date her" and he's like "No I can't because Jade would be mad" and Tori is like "Ok well I'm a dumbass so lets just pay some guy to ask Jade out that will solve this somehow" and the guy they pay is like "Ok well I'm a dumbass so sorry Jade I'm too scared to ask you out also Tori and Beck did this" and Jade is like "Well I'm angry now" and Beck is like "Shit".

  BUT then Jade is like "Actually I'm not angry you can date whoever you want" and Beck is like "ok?" so he does but his date is a dumbass and she's like "Hey look at me I'm an idiot" and Beck is like "Shit" but now that Beck is dating a girl Jade realizes she actually wants to date him so she does a song and dance and Beck is like "hey sorry do you want to get back into our emotionally abusive relationship?" and Jade is like "Sure but only as long as we don't discuss or even mention the initial problems that led us to break up in the first place" and Beck is like "ok sounds like a deal to me". 

           And then Tori is like "Wow I finally fixed Beck and Jade".

                                                                                      Because she's a dumbass.

thats the plot

  The B-plot is that Robbie is pet-sitting a butterfly that ends up flying into and living in Cat's ear. They can't get it out until they decide to have Andre's grandma yell into Cat's ear, which causes the butterfly to fly through her head and out the other ear. It's good, though a little over the top. Not nearly as good as the tech support B-plot from season 1 when they were far more normal.

                            There's also a little scene where Trina and Andre's Grandma get into a yelling match. It's a fun idea, with the two of them basically representing the "Annoying relative" category going head to head.

I dunno all the swaths of 13 year old girls on the Victorious wiki comment section said they didn't like this episode but I thought it was fine. It's got a good balance of humor and plot and all, it just feels like not a lot happens. The first half of the episode is buildup, and I really can't recall what happens for much of it. 

 I really thought I'd hate Beck going into this show, but Avan Jogia really tries his hardest. He gets probably the worst dialogue out of the cast (presumably because Dan Schneider has no idea what a "cool teen" operates like) but he manages to pull it through. Elizabeth Gilles also wrote the song and dance that's performed at the end. It sounds kind of like a Paramore song from some early EP that didn't take off, but Gilles wrote it when she was like 19, so I'll give her credit.

Overall an 8/10

Side notes:

• 7:43: Must be nice.

Cell Block

Cell Block

   This is a pretty good one. The group is constantly on their phones during Sikowitz's class, so he offers them a challenge to revoke all technology (from after Sikowitz was born) for one week to receive an A for the semester from him. The group agrees, but ends up struggling. Andre has to listen to music on a gramophone, Robbie uses a typewriter instead of a computer, and Cat- doing the worst of all, has to be constantly restrained to stop her from breaking the challenge. 

   After a while the challenge is changed (I can't really remember why, I'm sure there was a reason). Instead of the one week time limit, it's not a boys vs girls competition, with whoever wins receiving the A's. Each group quickly tries to trick/tempt the other into using their phones- but are largely unsuccessful. 

  The group begins to bicker and argue in Sikowitz's class, and he proudly says that everyone can take their phones if they want. But strap in bucko this is a wild ride- it turns out Sikowitz had taken the boys side (stating "Before anything else. I am a boy"), and as the girls activate their phones, the boys leave theirs off, winning the challenge (as Sikowitz never said the challenge was over, simply that people could take their phones). It's a wild twist, and it's very nice to see Tori lose for once. In fact, Tori doesn't do much of anything this episode. It's almost as if she's been a consistent waste of time and writing. Anyway, yeah it's a nice change of pace and it feels fun without being bizarre or crazy.

  I don't even think there's a B-plot in this episode.

     But yeah this is a good one. This to me is more or less how episodes should be in this show. Or should have been. It's not the funniest episode or anything, but it makes sense. It's grounded and it really makes progress through using the characters personalities. Every character gets their own little spot in the episode. The setting of Hollywood Arts isn't used in the same way it was in Season 1. But why would it be? It's not this crazy place to Tori anymore. It's just a school now more or less. 

I'd give it an 8/10

Side Notes:

• At one point Jade says "Have you ever noticed the people at this school really aren't that attractive? It's like this show has been reading my reviews.

Three Girls and a Moose

Three Girls and a Moose

  It really seems like this title should have a joke or a double meaning in it. But it doesn't. The three girls get a crush on a guy named Moose. That's literally it.

   And you know that's basically the plot. Beck says "Hey my friend is visiting from Canada", he shows up, and all three girls fall in love with him. Which is weird, because he's not like the best looking guy. If you saw him in the streets he would look comfortably average, he just has a wide frame. But whatever I guess. So they fall in love with him and all compete in various methods. Cat tries to generally impress him and simply act like his girlfriend, Jade tries to bond over their favorite movie, and Tori, being a monster, simply lies about herself and pretends to be interested in similar things as Moose. 

  In doing so, they neglect the Beck, Robbie, and Andre; who are running some fundraiser for a new school bathroom or something. It's never really made clear what the fundraiser is anyway. Robbie is doing a magic show, Andre is putting on a song and dance maybe, and Beck is.. existing? Not really sure what Beck's role is here. Anyway. Moose rejects all three girls- saying he is only interested in Canadian women. Only after being rejected do the girls decide to be half decent people and deliver on their promise to help their friends, and Tori and Cat do a song and dance for them. At the end of the episode it's revealed that Jade is giving a Moose a ride home which quickly turns into them making out or whatever. Must be nice.

 That's really about the plot of this episode. Normally I would wax on any notable scenes or themes here but there really aren't that many. I can't say this is a bad episode or anything- it's just a bit weird to see 25 minutes of 3 girls doing anything for this guy who hasn't said more than 15 words to them. Like I know it's a high school show and it's fine to do that because "judging a book solely by it's cover" is a pretty common trope in high school shows- but I wish there was some reason for the girls to love this guy. Have him do a pop shuvit as he enters the scene Act 1, I don't give a shit. It's just bizarre for all three of them to blow off their friends for a guy just because he's somewhat wider than average. 

  It's still a decent episode, but it feels like it's missing a lot. There aren't a lot of jokes, there's not a lot of 'drama', it's just kind of 25 minutes of "content". For Victorious, this isn't an awful thing to happen. 

8/10

Opposite Date

Opposite Date

  You know, I used to watch this show just when it was on. I don't know why. Initially I recently gotten cable and just wanted to see what it was- it was a teen show like Zoey 101 or Drake and Josh but just a bit after my time to watch it, but I ended up turning it on whenever I was doing work or similar.  There's something relaxing about it. Because it's not really good. But at the same time it's not bad. It is bad. But it's not as distractedly awful as something like Two Broke Girls. Have you seen that show? Jesus christ. Anyway, Victorious is just white noise. And after a while it just became the thing I would throw on in the background if it was on. Would help me clear my mind. Now I write summaries and reviews. It's very zen. Don't judge me.

  Anyway. I didn't really pay attention to any development over time in the show at the time. But watching now, Season 4 (really starting with The Blonde Squad) is so different than the rest of the show in little minor ways. It's absolutely indistinguishable to anyone who isn't a maniac that has a blog for this, but it's completely different from season 1 in its tone, premise, and design. It makes you wonder if they really had a creative vision for stuff like this. 

 A big component of this change is that at some point it seems that Dan was roused from a 3 year nap and started feverishly trying to write character development and match up cast members for his preteen patrons. This one is about Jade, Tori, and Beck. We're given a pretty sloppy premise for why Tori and Beck are hanging out solo- but whatever. They make plans to hang out just the two of them, but they don't want to make it a date for fear of offending Jade (I suppose, it's never made clear how honest they're being when they say that). They strive to make it an "opposite date" by dressing roughly and getting bad food, but for all intents it seems to be a fairly normal date. Certainly better than the majority of mine.

    

 Near the end of it, Beck receives an (off screen) phone call from his aunt tasking him with taking her dog to the vet to get some medication. Note that it is like 10 PM. They go to the vet and are immediately bombarded with questions from other pet owners on the nature of the relationships between Tori, Beck, and Jade.

  

   Meanwhile, Cat leaks the info of Tori and Beck's date to Jade, and Jade and Cat go off to track the friend-couple down during their date. They confront Tori and Beck in an animal hospital, and Jade confides that she is okay with Tori and Beck hanging out. Because they're friends and she just "gets it" I guess. And that's about it.

   It's not a bad episode, but it feels awkward. The premise is very hastily established, and the ending just feels out of place in this show. All of the vet clients suddenly asking Tori and Beck about the fine details of their relationship isn't quite treated as a joke but it's not quite treated seriously either. It's an inherently silly situation, but it feels like the episode is trying to sell real character based drama during it. Jade comes and essentially gives acceptance to Tori and Beck, but no real ground is made. Tori and Beck are still friends with romantic tension, Beck and Jade are still exes also with romantic tension... for an episode seemingly building up to a big shift in how the characters interact there's very little payoff. Adding to this, Avan Jogia just seems so disinterested during all of it. Beck has absolutely no real input outside of "Well I have good vibes for everyone", and Tori fails to take a stance on if she actually wants to date Beck or not.

 Ultimately it feels like it would better as an episode of Boy Meets World.  Victorious simply doesn't have the infrastructure to support plots like this as characters are constantly battling  the self-contained episode structure the show has used. That being said, the driving scenes between Cat and Jade are good, and Elizabeth Gilles does her best to sell the episode. I'd give it an 8/10

The B-plot is Robbie and Andre being stuck in pear costumes.It reminds me of the B-plot of "A Film by Dale Squires" where Robbie and Andre fix Robbie's car. Like it's fine and you know the characters do well, but it's essentially one joke that spans the entire B-plot. I dunno, it felt a bit lazy to me.

Side Notes:

• In an error, Tori posts a status on the slap but says "Why am I even tweeting this?". The Slap is of course a separate entity in no way related to or parodying twitter, but at this time I think everyone stopped caring and regretted making The Slap a part of the setting. 
• Jade pulls over to make her call to Tori. Nothing really particular happens, I just thought it was a nice touch as a little safety lesson. 

The Hambone King

The Hambone King

  I watched this episode alone in my car in a parking lot. It was the saddest moment of my life. 

  Anyway. Technically the first episode of season 4 is Wanko's Warehouse. But I don't have the ability to watch that one so we're moving forward. But hey, this episode isn't as terrible as I thought it would be. In it, Robbie is a hambone champion who is challenged by some other hambone champion for the title. It's a good one for most of the episode, and it's fun to see Robbie get the focus and have something of his own for ten seconds (Rex hasn't been in an episode for a while now, thankfully). Unfortunately Tori ruins everything because they need to have her steal the spotlight at all times.

   Basically, Robbie is popular for Hamboning, is challenged by Jerold (Gerold?), loses, and has to recover from his loss in a slight Rocky parody. However it is soon revealed that Tori herself used to be a pro hamboner, so she like reveals this and coaches Robbie or whatever. This woulden't be that bad but in the end of the episode Robbie is sabotaged, and instead of helping him back on his feet or anything Tori simply competes against Jerold and wins and everyone celebrates her victory. Like what the fukc you know comon let someone else be the protagonist for like 15 goddamn minutes. I would value this episode so much more if it turned out that Beck or Andre (or even Jade or Sikowitz) were the previous hambone champions, but it's not. It's Tori, because if it wasn't she wouldn't have any purpose in this episode. Because she doesn't have any purpose in this group. Because she's a useless character. 

   Even worse, Victoria Justice just isn't good at Hamboning. Jerold and Robbie actually do it fairly well, but I guess Victoria coulden't be bothered to practice because her routine is just an out of sync flapping of her hands. It gets me.

  But I did say this episode is better than I thought it would be. And it is. The rest of the group is great, there's one particular scene where Beck brings a watermelon to cheer up Robbie I thought was funny, and there are a couple good moments where Jade and Andre and Robbie and Cat are just hanging out. So it's a good episode- I'm just surprised at how quickly it was brought down at the very end by Tori doing everything.

The Blonde Squad

The Blonde Squad

   This show has a lot of lines that would be heartbreaking if delivered in any context other than a children's TV show. I won't list them, but know I take them out of context.

  The plot of this episode sees Beck trying to record and present a short film- which itself is a comedy parody of Charlie's Angels. The girls of the group decide to go to that Sushi restaurant I hate in their blonde wigs because Tori thinks it'll help her rail some dude or something. Some dude hits on Cat in a way that would be incredibly awkward and uncomfortable but he has a sharp jawline and V shaped build so it's fine.

 So Cat questions the legitimacy of if this guy likes her for her or only because she has blonde hair. This parallels her own flaw, that she herself is only interested in this man for his appearance- but this is a Nick show so it's not getting that deep. Instead she simply hides her real hair until a parrot steals her wig and the guy rejects her. What did you expect, Dorian Gray? 

  The B-Plot is Andre trying to chase down the above parrot. 

                                            Anyway. There's a lot of pretty good dialogue in this one. Like for a straight comedy this episode has the most lines that.. aren't really there for comedy it seems. People are actually sad and actually upset with each other and it feels a bit more legitimate than similar scenes in season 1. I suppose it's just the progress in acting. It's a nice change of pace. 

                After handsome dude leaves, Robbie does a song for Cat about how much he values her and all that. Despite this, she doesn't really notice the meaning behind it, presumably because Robbie has a less symmetrical face. And that's about the end of the episode. 

 I dunno. There's something kind of brisk and sweet about this episode. Like we're at the end of the third season and only now is an episode that actually tries to touch on a real theme or issue between the characters.  I miss a few things from Season 1, but if episodes had this type of structure back then  this could be a completely different show.

I still hate that dumbass sushi restaurant though.  8/10

That's season 3.

How Trina Got In

How Trina Got In

        For once in her god damn life Tori is the B-plot of this episode. She gets stuck in that one vaguely racist restaurant because she didn't bring any money to pay and she can't song and dance her way out of it this time. 

   Everyone else tells stories of how Trina got into Hollywood Arts. They're good.

it's a good episode, an 8/10 from me

Driving Tori Crazy

Driving Tori Crazy

     Tori gets a bunch of car rides from her friends.

           That's the entire plot. I don't know why. Apparently there's some movie being filmed by her house so instead of a 5 minute walk she now has to make a 20 minute drive? whatever

So everyone gives her a ride. I'll just run through it:

• Trina gives her a ride but she's annoying or something.
• Andre gives her a ride but his grandma lingers in the back seat and verbally assaults everyone
• Beck gives her a ride but is also getting road head from 4 girls at once drives 4 girls from a different school who are annoying or something
• Robbie gives her a ride but owns a pedal trolley instead of a car
• Cat offers to have her brother drive, but her brother is a schizophrenic maniac so Tori declines
• Jade gives her a ride, but is a schizophrenic maniac and Tori bails out of the car after bring driven to a desert with a shovel in the car
• Finally, Cat is able to rent a party bus for $20 for Tori. Tori- being a monster, insists that only she rides in the party bus and that Cat doesn't tell any of her friends who until this point were all just making genuine efforts to help their friend out. 

Anyway. So they're in the party bus and a parody of Sir Mix A Lot is the driver. The entire group does some half-rap that made me deeply embarrassed to watch.  Thats the episode.

It's good. It feels a bit like an Amanda Show skit or something, but it works out pretty well. The justification for why everyone has to give Tori a ride is pretty weak, but hey. I'd give this one an 8/10 

Side Notes:

• So Jade is now an actual murderer right? Normally her pranks were pretty limited to mildly inconveniencing people or threatening them. But no she's actually going to kill and bury Tori in this episode.
• That would be a flaw in the episode but Elizabeth Gilles does a really good job of delivering it. 
• If Tori was fine with paying $20 for a party bus just to get a ride to school, why didn't she simply take a taxi/uber/whatever to school every day?
• Probably because she is a monster.

The April Fools Blank

The April Fools Blank

   This one is a joke episode. The "premise" is that Tori s frustrated that no one at Hollywood Arts celebrates April Fools day- however during the entire episode inane and sporadic things happen without explanation. The principal from Saved By The Bell replaces Sikowitz for a moment before mugging Tori of her purse and running off, Andre asks about his faulty front loading washing machine, characters are referred to as their actors name and constantly break the fourth wall. There is a parody of The Wizard of Oz (which could be better, but isn't bad) as well as one of Match Game which was done surprisingly well. The episode ends with a middle aged man barging into Tori's house and asking for advice due to his wife saying he "Talks to much and doesn't dance" to which the cast responds by performing "Shut Up and Dance"; which is pretty funny as a sort of "in joke" on how often the show has conveniently placed premises to do a song and dance. 

  Drake Bell also shows up.

                  That's about it. I can't review much because there's no real plot to the episode- but it's done well and it's funny. The cast seems like they're actually having fun and ultimately I think the episode pays off very well.

8/10

Tori & Jade's Play Date

Tori & Jade's Play Date

    This one has 10 times as many views because everyone thinks it's porn.

It's not. In this episode Sikowitz says "Hey uh Tori and Jade how about yo be husband in wife in this play here" but follows up 5 minutes later by saying "Tori and Jade you two have terrible synergy you need to like hang out to become friends or whatever". So that's the A-plot.

            The B-plot is Cat and Robbie starting a little thing where they sing songs in order to bring bad news to people. It's pretty good. I've said it before but Robbie and Cat just do well in scenes together. I've also said before that due to the above every 11 year old in the country wants them to bang. Well I'm in too deep now because I want them to bang at this point.

Oh sorry I guess there's more to the A-plot. Tori and Jade hang out at that trendy Japanese restaurant for 16 year olds run by caricatures of Asian Americans. And they don't get along. But then two guys try and hit on them so they solve the problem in a creative way. How do they solve it you ask? You be the judge! Text your vote to 1-866-IDOLS:

A.) They do a song and dance

B.) They do a song and dance

C.) They do a song and dance

D.) They do a song and dance

                                                                                           You're right.

So they do that. And now they're friends I guess? Listen up fellas if you ever see two girls having interpersonal problems in a restaurant just sexually harass them. When you do things right people wont be sure you've done anything at all.

  The song is.. not great. It suffers from the curse of the show- which is that these are 17 year olds singing a 12 year olds kids bop album, so the "Sick burns" in the lyrics end up being a tasteful version of whatever insults the bullies used on me in the 7th grade.

 

 Anyway. It's a pretty good episode. There's some good banter between Beck and Andre (who are cast as twins despite Andre being black and Beck being Canadian) as well as Cat and Robbie (at one point Robbie gets rejected in a way that felt a little close the heart). I think the writers forgot how to write Jade. She yells "No!" a lot like it's her catch phrase but it feels like they just didn't have anything better for her to say whenever she does. All and all this feels like it would be better in season 1.  Nozu is a very gimmicky way to make the characters and setting feel "cool" while providing Tori a place to do song and dances; and it just doesn't make sense that after so many episodes where Jade and Tori become 'friends' they would still absolutely hate eachother in this one.

  That sounds like a critique, but it's still a decent episode all things considered. I'm Ari Shapiro, and this is an 8/10.

Andre's Horrible Girl

Andre's Horrible Girl

    You know I think Dan Schneider doesn't like interracial relationships. I really do. Andre has had like 4 girlfriends/dates and three of them were black and one was Latin American. It's 2012 Dan, comon.

Anyway, remember that slightly racist Asian character from Wok Star? She got promoted to being a recurring character I guess. Except now she owns a far more trendy looking restaurant called Nozu that apparently caters specifically to 17 year olds. Personally I'm just not into that. I like shows where the characters have these little hang out spots that feel realistic and average- but for some reason the trend in teen shows is increasingly making settings that appeal strictly to preteens.

  Whatever. So Andrew has a new girlfriend and she's just the worst. But she has money so who cares. No one really likes her, and while Andre says he has feelings for her he later reveals to Tori that he's only dating her because her father is some big music producer and he hopes to do a song and dance for him. Tori momentarily tries to do the right thing for once in her god damn life but is immediately tempted into just hoping on board and doing a song and dance for the producer- so she does that instead.

  Andre breaks up with this girl on her birthday and he and Tori do a song and dance, which the producer enjoys. There's more to this but let me get the B-plot first.

 The B-plot is really the strong part of this episode, which is fitting because it takes up about 40% of the episodes runtime.  Jade helps Cat dogsit, but breaks a guitar worth legitimately hundreds of thousands of dollars like an idiot. Luckily Cat calls Robbie over, who also brings Beck (oo see because Beck and Jade just broke up you know. How spicy) and together they just... fix the guitar? It was broken into like 5 pieces. The wood had splintered apart you can't just take a fucking screwdriver and like screw the frets bac

So they finish fixing everything. But then Robbie breaks everything again like an idiot. Why is Robbie an idiot now? He has been for the last like 3 episodes. The rich guy who Cat is dogsitting for is coming right to the door when a very convenient earthquake hits, breaking more things and giving the gang a convenient alibi. 

Hey, we're back to the A-plot now. So during Tori and Andre's song and dance the earthquake hits, causing a massive sign to donk Andre's (ex) girlfriend in the head in a way that would make you legitimately concerned she was dead in real life. Thankfully she's just concussed- basically anyone who is annoying in a Dan Schneider show ends up wounded at the end. The producer (who is also this girls father) neglects seeing his daughter in the hospital and instead says "Or... lets hear Tori and Andre's song again!" in a manner that is absolutely baffling for a grown man to be saying about a song composed for 11 year olds. Props to the actor though, he seems to be having fun with it.

  That's about it. It's a good episode, with the B-plot shining through as particularly good and the A-plot being fairly standard. It just feels like it's missing a feeling that came with the first season though. It's not really a show about going to this new crazy prestigious high school anymore, so what is it? The show seems to have lost a bit of it's identity and attempts to make up for it by increasingly making the characters more and more volatile and eccentric. It's still a good episode, but it doesn't really provide that sense of escapism I originally watched this children's show for.

8/10

Side Notes:

•  Jade and Cat are best friends, with Cat being one of if not the only people Jade is casual and polite around. But for some reason Jade acts pretty antagonistically to her during the entire episode.

• Beck does a lot of like.. holding Cat during this episode? It kind of makes sense during the earthquake but not really. I like to imagine that Avan Jogia  was like "Yeah no I REALLY think that Beck should be holding Cat from behind in this scene. Maybe he takes a whiff of her hair what do you think Dan"

Car, Rain, And Fire

Car, Rain, And Fire

  Hello, I am still making a blog for a children's show.  I thought this episode was going to be bad but ended up pleasantly surprised. It doesn't have anything to do with being in a fancy private high school, but oh well. 

  The main plot sees a distressed cat crying over the death of her favorite actress from a 1960s TV show. Tori offers that they place a memorial at her house, but they can't drive so they take Jade as well. Jade has her own car- but for no reason they take Cat's brothers car instead. They go on a road trip to the actresses home and there are hijinks and it rains and whatever and it turns out the actress isn't really dead- but is simply starring in a show called "The Dead". She also makes a joke "Yeah, I'm playing David Schwimmer's wife" which is the most unexpected reference I would expect to hear in this show. 

   The B-plot is kind of goofy. Trina tells everyone Beck asked her out (to make other girls jealous) so he, Andre, and Robbie all pretend to be madly in love with Trina as 'revenge'.  Which doesn't make much of any sense. Like someone you don't like tries to date you and you say "oo yeah I'm really gonna get back at you by fucking you right here right now". Regardless, this embarrasses Trina for some reason. 

   So that's about it. At one point the girls are almost murdered by a man in a clown costume wandering the streets- but this is treated as a joke. So it's fine I guess. 

A good episode. Short to summarize, but it works, and you get a lot of synergy with the cast by breaking it up cleanly into the guys and the girls in this episode

A solid 8/10

The Worst Couple

The Worst Couple

      You know. This episode isn't really good. But it's also not bad enough to make fun of in a good way. Basically Beck wants out of his toxic relationship that he has no reason to be in, so him and Jade just argue for the first 15 minutes of the episode. And.. You know thats essentially it. There's a bit near the start where the main cast is in a gameshow run by Sinjin (A parody of The Newlywed Game called Queries for Couples) and its.. okay.. It should be the star of the episode but it's just not really good. It's so short, the jokes are more centered in the questions asked by Sinjin than what the main cast would bring to it, and it's just a bit of a let down.

   

   I think my main gripe with this episode is just that everyone seems like they're acting weird. Robbie seems far too much like a 'weirdo' and overall everyone just doesn't quite feel right. I get the feeling that this is the inbetween period where everyone in the cast is somewhat normal and flexible into being pigeon holed into their one respective trait. 

  Like I said. It's not the worst episode (Certainly isn't as bad as Gorilla club) but it's just not good. In comparison to Jade Dumps Beck it comes off as very basic and rudimentary. 

8/10

The Gorilla Club

The Gorilla Club

      In this episode Tori competes in an underground industrial challenge course in order to become more brave for a role. I remember reading the synopsis and thinking "wow that sounds awful." and you know, it is.

  Like Tori has some part she's going to audition for but her character is supposed to be streetwise and tough but Tori can't pull it off because she's a prissy aristocrat. So she joins some underground obstacle course thing where all the metal-goths hang out and competes in their trials. But it's all just so bad. There are like three depressing looking "trials" that most anyone above the age of 10 could easily complete, Avan Jorgia (Beck) tries his best to be the hype man who is coaching Tori but it's clearly just him trying to make his best effort to sell everything as "crazy" when for the most part it's all stuff you would see in a 5th graders field day. Tori's acting "improves" as the episode goes on but at this point it's too late. It's so hard to care about Tori's problem at this point and it's completely unconvincing that she's somehow been hardened by her experience in the equivalent of a McDonald's playplace.

  The B-Plot is also surprisingly poor. Robbie and Andre lose a bet to Jade when playing poker but don't have the money to pay her, so instead she 'makes' them do a dance whenever she yells "Hammer time!". It's just a realllly crude and rudimentary joke, and it's simply never funny. Elizabeth Gilles never seems comfortable yelling it, and it's just such an out of character "prank" for Jade to play because of how pedantic and lame it is.

There's also a C-plot where Jade is mad at Beck for coaching Tori?? But it literally lasts for 30 seconds and then doesn't go anywhere

I felt embarrassed when I started watching this show. You know, I still feel embarrassed watching this show. But this episode really made me feel viscerally sheepish and uncomfortable. 

The only saving grace is a slight scene near the middle where the group is just hanging out and playing poker, but even that isn't as good as similar scenes in episodes like The Great Ping Pong Scam.

I would say this is the worst episode so far unfortunately. And would give it a dissapointed 8/10

The Breakfast Bunch

The Breakfast Bunch

  This one is a parody of The Breakfast Club. 

   It works better than you think. I'm not sure if the modern average 13 year old (what is the target age for this show, actually?) has watched The Breakfast Club, but it doesn't really matter because the plot simply works it into being a "silly" storyline that ends up working either way.

  So you might be saying "Well how does that work? The Breakfast Club only has 5 characters and Victorious has 6". And well you got me there. And everyone else. The characters kind of overlap and shift as the episode goes on- and while it's initially confusing it ultimately works out. For a listing:

• Andre is most consistently Andrew with little deviation
• Robbie is nearly always Brain, but takes Allisons role after a while
• Jade is either Bender or Allison
• Cat is generally Claire, but sometimes does Allison scenes
• Beck is generally Bender (though he tends to have the most non-parody lines)
• Tori s kind of just whoever, and is basically anyone except for Andrew and Brian. 

It works pretty well, given that the Victorious cast tends to be partial representations of different 'cliques' already.

The plot is more or less that of The Breakfast Club, though with most themes replaced by more PG ones. It ends up being pretty funny most of the time. In particular Robbie has two scenes where he delivers Brian's "You're so conceited" line- but each time they're absolutely out of context and have Robbie crying without reason. Tacos are used as an allusion to both sex and weed, with the "Are you a virgin?" scene from the original movie being replaced with "Are you a vegan?". Judge me all you want it's clever.

  So yeah, it's a good little non-canon episode. It definitely helps to have watched The Breakfast Club in the last year or so- as a good handful of the jokes are references to fairly minor scenes. But as it happens I like the Breakfast Club a good deal, so it's an 8/10 from me.

A Christmas Tori

A Christmas Tori

9/10

Terror On Cupcake Street

Terror On Cupcake Street

  This episode is always on. Don't care what channel. Nick? Terror on Cupcake Street. CNN? Terror on Cupcake Street. HBO? Terror on Cupcake Street. It's everywhere. Which strikes me as odd because it's a very mediocre episode. 

  It starts off well. There's a good bit in the beginning where Sikowitz kicks every student not in the main group out and everyone lampshades how the extras never talk and "only react to things".

                                  alright you know whatever they get in a big cupcake in a big parade and a bunch of street thugs assault them. At one point I thought the episode was wrapping up but I was only 10 minutes in.

           The moral of the story is that the rich should never trust the poor

8/10

Side Notes:

• At one point Jade storms out of the classroom but in the next shot we can see her clearly still sitting behind Cat. And then in the shot after that we see her walking back in to the classroom.
• Cat actually functions as a 5 year old in this episode. Not sure why.

Jade Gets Crushed

Jade Gets Crushed

   I don't think Dan Scneider understands double ententes in titles. There are like 5 episodes of this show that have two 'meanings' but one of which doesn't apply to the episode. For example, in this episode Andre has a crush on Jade and thats it. I spent the entire episode thinking "Wonder when something is going to fall on Jade" and it just never happened.

   Anyway, hey; thats the plot of the episode. Andre works with Jade on a song and since he treats her like a human being (unlike Tori) and extends some basic friendship to her (unlike Tori) he finds that Jade is actually a very polite and pleasant person to be around. So he gets a crush on her or whatever. He vents to Tori about this and they decide there is only one way to solve this problem- take your pick:

1.) He talks to Jade about it and expresses his feelings like a normal person

2.) He keeps his feelings private for a bit, waiting to see if they either subside or prove to be something more serious

3.) They seek alternative methods to help Andre get over it, maybe finding him a different girl

4.) They do a song and dance.

It's the last one. 

They do a song and dance addressed to Jade but without using her name and that helps Andre get over it. Why? I don't know, who do you think I am?

The B-Plot of this episode is good. Robbie assists Tori in studying for a tech crew exam by putting her through an obstacle course like drill. The "dummy actors" Robbie uses are cardboard cutouts of Cat- and he is frequently questioned on why he owns them. It's funny.

In a C-plot, Cat gets moon shoes. That's it.

  You know what? This is a good episode. Same with the last one. It's down to earth, Tori is a decent person, everyone (save Beck and Trina) is involved somehow, and there's a lot of conversation that makes the episode feel longer than its 26 minute time slot. So far I would put it in the top 5, but I'm only half way done with this show for 11 year olds as it is.

8/10

Tori Tortures Teacher

Tori Tortures Teacher

        Hey. I enjoyed my time with this episode. I hadn't seen it before. 

The main focus on this episode is (as the title would suggest) Sikowitz. For his 10 year anniversary of being a teacher Tori invites him to see a play with the group- however the play ends up being a close reflection of Sikowitz's life through with the protagonist being fraught with depression and self loathing.

   Sikowitz flips through his phone and quietly leaves the play in a way that feels surprisingly real for a children's show.  When something hits you and you try and escape it flipping through old texts and pointless webpages as if to trying to run away from your own introspection and eventually it collapses. Really takes you back.

   So Sikowitz shows up to class noticeably depressed, and after a while we're informed that Sikowitz wasn't made sad by the play, but by a text he received from his girlfriend during the play breaking up with him. The group makes a scheme to find him a new girlfriend, but Sikowitz reveals he's not too shaken by the breakup, but by the loss of his pet "Bunny".

  Tori gets Sikowitz a new bunny only to find out that Bunny is the name of Sikowitz's old cat. She petitions the group to help her find a cat for him; only for the rest of the group to storm off in protest.

There's a B-plot where Trina (and to a lesser extent Cat) work to date some guy who we're told is attractive but doesn't seem particularly good looking. It's alright. 

Oh and there's a C-plot where Beck and Jade are having a texting argument which we never learn the details of. It's clearly just there to give the two characters something to do in this episode, but it works out well.

It's just a good simple episode. The jokes are very connected to the plot (normally they're a bit disjointed) and it's just a solid plotline. Tori for once isn't a monster in this episode and makes a genuine effort to solve a problem that doesn't involve her.  Sikowitz is still eccentric but feels honestly relatable and causes the audience to feel deeply involved in his depression/breakup. It concludes nicely as well, the group is ultimately unsuccessful in 'curing' Sikowitz; but of course why would they be? Sikowitz says  "It's something I'll get over" as he leaves the episode,  the realistic response to his situation. The protagonists do a good job, but ultimately it's just not their battle.

8/10

Helen Back Again

Helen Back Again

   I didn't understand the title of the episode the entire time I was watching it. It wasn't until reading a 12 year old's post on the Victorious wiki that I was informed it's supposed to be a riff on "Hell-and-back again"

Which still doesn't make any god damn sense

   Hey. Remember the principal from the first episode? He's back in this episode after a season and a half. Instead of being established as a character he simply says "Hello, I am the principal here. Goodbye!!" and quits. He says some other stuff but I don't remember.

  Anyway. So Yvette Nicole Brown (From Drake and Josh and Community) replaces him and immediately decides that everyone must re-audition to the school. Now you may be asking yourself "Well why is she doing that?"

so everyone has to reaudition and it's a pretty good premise for an episode. We see all the characters strengths and it gives everyone a justification for their place within the group. Tori does song and dances, Andre writes and produces songs, Beck is a talented dramatic actor, Jade writes and creates movies, Robbie is a comedian/ventriloquist, and Cat is kind of a jack of all trades with various talents. 

Trina however fails her audition, being universally seen as untalented in the performing arts. Despite being kicked out fairly reasonably Tori makes it her quest to appeal to Helen (Yvette) to let her sister back in. However instead of simply crafting a persuasive argument Tori creates a scheme where Robbie will pretend to rob Helen before Trina fights him off. This works out (presumably because there are only 2 minutes left in the episode and no one could be bothered to think of something better) and Trina is accepted back in. And that's about it.

   It's a good one I would say. The middle seems like it's just a bunch of filler for 5 minutes, but it's nice to see all of the auditions. It does a good job to catch all of the cast, and the plot feels pretty grounded in the setting of Hollywood Arts. The plotline kind of rambles around which causes it to feel a bit forgettable, but overall a solid 8/10.

Locked Up!

Locked Up!

   I wrote a review of this episode earlier, but it didn't feel right. 

                   Remember when I said Festus's home country would come up again? This is it. It turns out he lives in a parody country somewhere between Cuba and a few Slavic and middle eastern countries. 
   The gang gets invited there under the pretense of thinking it's a resort island like Hawaii. But it's actually a desolate second world country ravaged by an ongoing revolution. They do a song and dance for the dictator but end up assaulting him and then killing his octopus so they're thrown in a prison camp. After a bit they use the power of song and dance to distract the dictator and Sikowitz helps them escape.

      The first song isn't that bad if I'm being honest. The second one isn't great but hey. Who are you to judge them. 

This is an hour long episode. But it's a bit hard to talk about. It's just so far removed from reality and the premise of the show. The cast does well and there are some decent jokes but, like myself, it never really manages to justify it's existence. 

It's not as bad as it easily has the potential to be, but I dunno.The show simply doesn't do these wild over the top scenarios as well as it does the more down to earth more relatable ones.

 I'd say it gets a well deserved 8/10

Side Notes:

• Cat eats a pop tart at one point in this episode- which is apparently Ariana Grande's favorite food. Or it was in like 2011 or whenever this was made. 
• The episode ends with them driving away- the cast sitting on the back of a large truck.This doesn't make much of any sense, because at this point in the episode the entire country is looking for this group including the dictator himself. And we're already told they're on an island nation. What are they going to do, ford the Pacific ocean? 
• I'm genuinely impressed with Ariana Grande's ability to navigate so well in a 5 inch heel.

Prom Wrecker

Prom Wrecker

   In this episode, Tori is a heartless monster.

    The episode starts with Andre making out with his girlfriend. This is maybe the B-plot or the running joke of the episode or something, I'm not sure yet because I've paused the episode 8 minutes in.

   Anyway. Tori says "blah blah blah prom???" and someone else says "no we don't have one of those" so she immediately makes it a divine crusade to throw a prom despite no one really wanting or caring about one. Even Sinjin (the rapist) seems like he's taking a pretty casually averse stance on it.

   So she starts up a prom but lo and behold- the only day she can throw it on is the same day that Jade has a big performance planned (at the exact same venue). Jade expresses her feelings to Tori, who blankly refuses to change or allow Jade to do the performance she had planned for weeks.

   The prom.. happens,  I don't know. They say earlier "But that only gives us five days to prepare!" and yet everyone in the school bought dresses and suits and got tickets and dates already? Is this what wealth is like? 

   Jade plays some avant garde horror clip montage on a big-screen in the background of the prom as revenge. For a show made for 7 year olds it is fairly uncomfortable to watch. If I was 7 I would be like "holy shit". But that's irrelevant. So after a bit they just like.. turn it off. Tori continues to bully Jade, and Jade continues to mildly inconvenience Tori. 

  After a bit the antagonist of this episode (Tori) makes a large nearly nude man assault Jade. Then she does an autotuned song and dance written by a 10 year old. That's it. That's the episode.

  It's okay. The little mini-plots between Robbie and Cat and Andre and his girlfriend are fun, and the episode is pretty good on a micro minute-by-minute basis. It's just weighted down by the conflict. Jade is reasonably upset, but the episode never opens any channel whatsoever for Tori to feel guilt or empathy- and none of the other characters give their perspective on it either. Especially after the events of Wok Star where we learn Jade is so passionate simply because she wants to impress her father Tori ruining her performance to throw her personal prom feels pretty irredeemable. 

Sinjin (the rapist) has some funny lines though. 8/10

Side Notes:

• Beck isn't in this episode again. While I appreciate Beck more than I thought I would, his absence is always hard to notice. 
• Jade has her Gears of War bag again. I guess they really want her to have it.
• Ariana Grande does one scene really well (her giving an idea for the theme to the prom). Not anything specific here- I was just surprised.
• This is also the episode where we really see Cat's giraffe for the first time, which she dissociates to in the same way Robbie dissociates into Rex. 
• Sinjin (the rapist) has tiny legs. They're like two stilts.
• A fedora makes a return in this episode. I've missed them so.

Tori Gets Stuck

Tori Gets Stuck

hahahahahahahah get it because she gets stuck in a location and stuck with a needle. a little double entendre for you  

         Tori has some play she is trying to be the star of but Jade also wants to be the star of it. Robbie gets some life risking illness and needs an immediate blood transfusion- and Tori is the only person with his type. Tori (a monster) is peeved that she has to stay at the hospital and save her friend's life instead of doing a stupid high school skit.

   Jade doesn't do the play either, Sikowitz does.

thats it

8/10

Who Did It To Trina

Who Did It To Trina

       Hey. This isn't the next episode on the list. But I'm not feeling great today- so I wanted to watch this one instead, as this children's show is my only respite I have from thinking about my demons.  

 It's a nice premise, being more or less a bottle episode. I've always enjoyed bottle episodes, they always end up really relying on the main characters and there's a lot of simple dialogue and conversation as opposed to more physical or situational humor.

    To mention to anyone who might be reading this [there are none], a bottle episode in TV is one that takes place nearly entirely in one setting and often utilizes only the main cast and maybe a couple extras. They're often done to save time and money, but they have a special charm about them.

  ok- back to it. Tori is making some play, which even in show is alluded to as being quite bad and nonsensical. Trina is the star, at midway through the play the entire set collapses on her after a harness breaks. The rest of the episode is a whodunnit featuring the main cast (minus Beck, who is absent in this episode) where everyone tries to piece together who sabotaged the harness. 

  I won't go through all of it, but it's funny and pretty good. Everyone's flashback is humorously warped to some degree- with Tori and Jade seeing themselves as kind and beautiful (while the other  is rash and angry), Robbie sees himself as a debonair pined over by the female cast, and Cat's flashback isn't a flashback at all- but simply a scene from Drake and Josh. 

   The episode largely concludes with the mystery going unsolved and the group blaming faulty equipment. It's not until the very end that we realize Rex, Robbie's puppet is actually the culprit. By this I of course mean Robbie did it in a schizophrenic delusion- but who am I to assign blame.

   Andre's B-Plot s him being stuck in the investigation while just trying to go on a date. It's pretty good, and includes one good scene in particular where he answers the phone in an over-the-top"cool" tone.

   It's a good episode, don't get me wrong. It's one I haven't seen before and was glad to have the opportunity to this night. I think it could be improved quite a bit by quickening the start of the episode. The mystery doesn't start until some 11 minutes in and this means it's too late to have much "mystery" as the characters tell their perspectives one by one. Still, it's done really well for this show and feels far more smart and mature than the general boy trouble/performance trouble episodes that are the standard. 

8/10

Side Notes:

• In an actually clever and witty joke, Robbie's flashback includes him saying "You make me happy" in a forced way that is apparently meant to sound suave and hot. This is a reference to the episode The Wood where Beck says this exact line. It's kind of a double joke, with Robbie both making up a cool line by copying Beck while the show seemingly pokes fun at itself for such an awkward line in Season 1. 
• Ariana Grande speaks with her normal voice in Robbie's flashback. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not- but it's a much missed trait. 
• I don't think the counselor lotions up in this episode, which is normally his joke.

Ice Cream For Ke$ha

Ice Cream For Ke$ha

    Hello. This episode starts with some nice sexual tension between Cat and Robbie. It warms my 12 year old heart.

   In season 1 everyone drank coffee, but now it's these big soda cups. It's much less cool. On the flip side- I don't know what happened, but all of the extras are now wearing fairly normal clothes. In fact, I haven't seen a single fedora. I think they must have gotten a new costume designer in or something, because all of the multi-layered outfits seem to be a thing of the past.

   Tori has the B-plot this episode where she is 'forced' to be Trina's assistant due to a contract made when they were 7. There's nothing actually binding Tori to doing this, she's just doing it out of good faith I suppose. Despite this, Tori makes another deal with Trina that if she gets a private performance by Kedollarsignha, she can stop being Trina's personal assistant. Once again, Tori can simply just stop helping Trina. Nothing is keeping her there.

  Luckily, Andre is part of some competition to win a concert by Ke$ha, where letters are hidden in ice cream and if you collect them all you win. The group- being the bunch of wealthy aristocrats they are, simply buys thousands of dollars worth of ice cream to sift through letters.

  They end up reading some announcement saying some other guy won.  Nothing happens for 5 minutes, and then in an extremely awkward scene Ke$ha posts a video saying that the other guy just faked the win or something. At first I coulden't tell why the actress was so bad, but it turns out they actually got Ke$ha for this.

  Nothing happens for a while again until they goto a convenience store to buy more ice cream. Tori just dumps the ice cream they buy on the floor- once again reinforcing the idea that she is a monster. 

They end up seducing and bribing a child into giving them the winning letter. Ke$ha shows up and does a very depressing looking concert before standing around and acting like an NPC from Oblivion for 30 seconds. 

It's an alright episode. It starts strong, but I feel like the writers were so hyped up over getting Ke$ha to guest star they forgot to write content for most of the episode. 8/10

Side Notes:

• Robbie lifts and walks around with a 3x3 foot bucket of ice cream at one point. I can't be bothered to work out the math of the weight of that, but Robbie's deadlift game is insane.

Back Falls For Tori

Beck Falls For Tori

   I hope reading that title has roused your preteen enthusiasm for this episode. 

          Anyway. This is a pretty good one. I was legitimately a bit worried this show would take a nosedive following Season 1, as I haven't previously watched many of the episodes from seasons 2, 3, and 4. Turns out that last one was just garbage. The first four minutes are a general Sikowitz class scene- and they're funny and for once include (even if it is in jest) a single character telling Tori to maybe chill out with her aspirations.

      ok so Sikowitz (for some reason) offers Tori a role in some movie he has a connection to. She says yes, but realizes that her resume is garbage, presumably because she spent the entire last season just making out with other girl's boyfriends and singing on pianos. Honestly, absolutely what skills or qualifications does Tori add to th

  I don't know why she even has to apply to the role if Sikowitz is offering her it in the first place. Maybe he's just saying she could apply? Why woulden't he tell the entire class then? It makes no sense. But whatever. All of Tori's friends tell her to just lie on her resume like literally every other 17 year old in the country.

   However Tori doesn't think about things too well and instead of just saying she's proficient in Microsoft Excel like a normal person says she's a trained stunt double. So the casting director assigns her to be a stunt double. And she accepts. 

  So Tori just refuses to do the stunt, and nothing really happens until Beck accepts to do it for her- wearing a dress and wig and all. It's funny. Despite Beck getting no credit and Tori once again simply being bailed out of the problem she caused herself- it's a nice kind of ending, and it works in the show.

The B-Plot is more minor in this episode, and is mostly just Cat trying on new outfits she created in her costume design class. It's good, and she has one scene with Sikowitz in the middle that I enjoyed. 

   Overall a surprisingly good episode. Nothing too "unique" (like Wifi in the Sky or Ping Pong Scheme), but simply doing an 'standard' episode very well. I would give it an 8/10.

Side Notes:

• At one point Robbie's puppet is said to have tricked Robbie into buying woman's jeans. Note that they are the same person.
• Robbie wears a size four.
• I don't know how women's pants work.
• Cat is noticeably dumber in this episode- a trend which more or less continues for the rest of the show. Instead of being simply 'extremely spacey', everyone treats her like she is six. 
• On the plus side, the laugh track is much less loud and frequent. Some would say they shoulden't have a laugh track at all.
• I would. I would say that. 
• At one point Andre says "In this town.. everybody knows everybody.". You're in Hollywood Andre. Part of Los Angeles California- population 4 million. There is no fucking way everybody knows everybody.
• One of the better running jokes is in this episode; which is Sikowitz asking a vaguely euphemistic question (Ex. "How would you teens like to do something for money?") before being asked ".. can we get some details?". It makes me chuckle.

Begging On Your Knees

Begging On Your Knees

   Welcome back. 

      In this episode Tori dates some guy. It turns out the guy is only dating her because she is oh so talented and wants to get a good grade on his song and dance project- so as revenge Tori does a different song and dance and Studs McJawline gets embarassed or something.

   I don't know this entire episode is an excuse to have Tori sing a song at the end. It's not great.

 8/10

Survival of the Hottest

          Survival of the Hottest

    Hello, streaming this episode got me put on a list.

           Despite that, I am devoted to the cause. This episode is about it being really hot in Hollywood so the group decides to go to the beach in Beck's RV. Cat runs out as they get there before a camper blocks the door of the RV, effectively sealing the rest of the group inside.

    The rest is exactly what you expect. Everyone complains about the heat while 5 dudes try to rail Cat. Dan really walks a fine line between making Cat a character who guys are constantly trying to hit on while also making her frequently mistaken for being mentally handicapped. 

   For the season 1 finale there's disappointingly little to say about this episode. None of the characters handle the situation differently from eachother, and there's no plan made to escape. This episode would have benefited from some plot to escape the RV in some way, but it never happens. The gang quickly accepts their fate and simply waits for Cat to walk in after the camper has left. 

  The Cat scenes should be the 'comic relief' of the episode (which is silly to have in a comedy show anyway) but they end up feeling too strongly like you're just watching a guy trying to get it in with a 15 year old. I wish instead the episode would have shown a series of different 'mini-adventures' that goes on in the B-plot; or that two people had initially left the RV and explore the beach on their own. It ultimately feels like we go back and forth between a group of people complaining about the heat and a drawn out porno intro.

  At least the ending is nicer than average. It's simple- but that's how endings to these shows should often be. The group simply finally goes to the beach. An end to their problem.

  This one gets an 8/10 from me.

   Thus ends Season 1.

Wok Star

Wok Star

   That's it. I think I've really lost my god damn mind. I don't know what it is but for the life of me I can't figure out the first minute of this episode. Beck walks up and Tori says "hey Beck!" and he looks around just like.. like he can't see them. And then what seems to be a blooper was just left in the episode.  Tori stumbles for a moment while standing still before cutting back to speaking normally; complete with Ariana Grande laughing in the background and everything. Normally this wouldn't bother me too much, but the entire time there is an extra wearing a tricorn hat in the background as if mocking me for mocking the constant use of fedoras in this show.

  This episode is called Wok Star. Don't worry, if you think just because it's called "Wok Star" it's going to contain  a vaguely offensive stereotypical Chinese accent- you're right. It does. 

   At one point in this episode Rex is referred to as a puppet and Robbie sighs before saying ".. Its not a puppet". What else is it then? I'm never clear on how the show wants to treat Rex as a character.

 

   So the owner of a Chinese restaurant agrees to financially produce Jades play. I'm now realizing I haven't talked about the plot of this episode at all. Jade wants to make a play but doesn't have the money. So the owner of a Chinese restaurant agrees to financially produce Jades play.  But like most producers she wants to make a few (terrible) changes to it. Jade is wearing that one interns Gears of War bag again, but the strap is changed. 

   Anyway. Turns out Jade just has daddy issues and her dad hates artists, so her play has to be just right for him. The groups creates a plan to lure the asian producer out of the show the day Jade's dad attends. The play happens and it goes over well. Surprise surprise, the play ends with a girl being revived by her fathers love. Get it? It's poetry. Josh Peck makes a guest appearance.

   It's a decent one. Once again Tori has absolutely no role in this episode and mainly just serves to stand around and take credit for things going well. There's a poker scene near the middle of the episode I appreciate- as any dialogue between the group just hanging out tends to be pretty pleasant.  Overall this episode just felt like a fever dream. The sound effects are weird, that whole opening scene is baffling, and I kept expecting to wake up on the floor of an isolation cell mid episode.

8/10

The Great Ping Pong Scam

The Great Ping Pong Scam

    I'll be honest, I liked this one. It really plays to the shows strengths and creates a storyline that feels realistic with some creative liberties. 

   It starts with Tori talking to Robbie, Andre, and Cat. They allude to a ping-pong team they're a part of, and while Tori initially doubts them she ends up wanting to join- feeling that her 5 other (much more pleasant and interesting) friends are leaving her behind. It's a nice little story, and it works for two reasons:

   1. Tori is made to feel like an outsider at the school still. This works because Hollywood Arts simply functions well when it's a bit mysterious and has this grandeur to it. The idea of her friends being in a secret club without her has the same impact as if they were secretly wizards. It makes the school feel natural and less like it revolves around Tori. 

   2. It gives a lot of weight to the 5 other members of the cast. For one of the first times in this show they really feel like a group of friends who have fun together and have known eachother for years before Tori. 

  So anyway. Tori ends up trying out for the team. The captain (Jade) denies her entry, and I almost don't blame her. This has been her and her friend's group for 2 years. No one seems to particularly want Tori. Despite this Tori (who in hindsight is generally just a bad person at this point) sneaks into the club room to eavesdrop on her friends hanging out. They discover her, and recount the 'secret' of the Ping Pong team in series of little flashbacks: The team doesn't actually compete, they simply buy trophies with part of the endowment the school gives them and then uses the rest to get a nice dinner. It's a fun idea, and provides even more rationale onto why Tori can't join (they would have to pay for her dinner too, then). Despite this, Tori just blackmails them into letting her join or else she'll tell on them. Literally why are any of these people friends with Tori.

  At this point the episode should be more or less over, but in an odd twist we actually see them going out to dinner with Sikowitz. Robbie orders $600 worth of caviar on accident - which probably wouldn't be a huge deal but now they have to also pay for Tori's dumb ass.  

Sikowitz dines and dashes just as some middle aged man acting for the first time in his life says "We don't have music!?! These people are getting upset! They come here for the classy music!". Wow, I wonder what will happen next. Take your pick:

A.) The group brainstorms a well thought out and clever way to pay the restaurant back 

B.) The group follows suit with Sikowitz and slowly escapes the restaurant, maybe leaving Robbie.

C.) Tori solves everything with the power of song and dance.

It's the last one.

Tori says "I can perform!" and this dude says sure and offers to apparently waive a $600 fee for a single song performed by a 17 year old. She performs some duet laying on top of a piano and the entire restaurant, (including several grown men who apparently own the place) jive to it and are so entranced by it in a way that makes me deeply uncomfortable.  

   So this should be a really great episode and set the benchmark for what an episode of this show should look like, but the last 6 minutes are so are the most awkwardly ham handed way to end the episode with Tori singing a song. It seems clear to me that Dan really wanted this show to sell loads of albums and function like an ensemble version of Hannah Montana, but it never quite feels natural.

  Despite this, the first half is very good- and I often wish the ping pong rec room would be brought back as a hangout spot for the group as an iconic location for the show. The last 6 minutes should have been scrapped with the flashback scenes being the main focus of the episode- but oh well. Still a solid and very memorable episode.

8/10