The Hambone King

The Hambone King

  I watched this episode alone in my car in a parking lot. It was the saddest moment of my life. 

  Anyway. Technically the first episode of season 4 is Wanko's Warehouse. But I don't have the ability to watch that one so we're moving forward. But hey, this episode isn't as terrible as I thought it would be. In it, Robbie is a hambone champion who is challenged by some other hambone champion for the title. It's a good one for most of the episode, and it's fun to see Robbie get the focus and have something of his own for ten seconds (Rex hasn't been in an episode for a while now, thankfully). Unfortunately Tori ruins everything because they need to have her steal the spotlight at all times.

   Basically, Robbie is popular for Hamboning, is challenged by Jerold (Gerold?), loses, and has to recover from his loss in a slight Rocky parody. However it is soon revealed that Tori herself used to be a pro hamboner, so she like reveals this and coaches Robbie or whatever. This woulden't be that bad but in the end of the episode Robbie is sabotaged, and instead of helping him back on his feet or anything Tori simply competes against Jerold and wins and everyone celebrates her victory. Like what the fukc you know comon let someone else be the protagonist for like 15 goddamn minutes. I would value this episode so much more if it turned out that Beck or Andre (or even Jade or Sikowitz) were the previous hambone champions, but it's not. It's Tori, because if it wasn't she wouldn't have any purpose in this episode. Because she doesn't have any purpose in this group. Because she's a useless character. 

   Even worse, Victoria Justice just isn't good at Hamboning. Jerold and Robbie actually do it fairly well, but I guess Victoria coulden't be bothered to practice because her routine is just an out of sync flapping of her hands. It gets me.

  But I did say this episode is better than I thought it would be. And it is. The rest of the group is great, there's one particular scene where Beck brings a watermelon to cheer up Robbie I thought was funny, and there are a couple good moments where Jade and Andre and Robbie and Cat are just hanging out. So it's a good episode- I'm just surprised at how quickly it was brought down at the very end by Tori doing everything.

The Blonde Squad

The Blonde Squad

   This show has a lot of lines that would be heartbreaking if delivered in any context other than a children's TV show. I won't list them, but know I take them out of context.

  The plot of this episode sees Beck trying to record and present a short film- which itself is a comedy parody of Charlie's Angels. The girls of the group decide to go to that Sushi restaurant I hate in their blonde wigs because Tori thinks it'll help her rail some dude or something. Some dude hits on Cat in a way that would be incredibly awkward and uncomfortable but he has a sharp jawline and V shaped build so it's fine.

 So Cat questions the legitimacy of if this guy likes her for her or only because she has blonde hair. This parallels her own flaw, that she herself is only interested in this man for his appearance- but this is a Nick show so it's not getting that deep. Instead she simply hides her real hair until a parrot steals her wig and the guy rejects her. What did you expect, Dorian Gray? 

  The B-Plot is Andre trying to chase down the above parrot. 

                                            Anyway. There's a lot of pretty good dialogue in this one. Like for a straight comedy this episode has the most lines that.. aren't really there for comedy it seems. People are actually sad and actually upset with each other and it feels a bit more legitimate than similar scenes in season 1. I suppose it's just the progress in acting. It's a nice change of pace. 

                After handsome dude leaves, Robbie does a song for Cat about how much he values her and all that. Despite this, she doesn't really notice the meaning behind it, presumably because Robbie has a less symmetrical face. And that's about the end of the episode. 

 I dunno. There's something kind of brisk and sweet about this episode. Like we're at the end of the third season and only now is an episode that actually tries to touch on a real theme or issue between the characters.  I miss a few things from Season 1, but if episodes had this type of structure back then  this could be a completely different show.

I still hate that dumbass sushi restaurant though.  8/10

That's season 3.

How Trina Got In

How Trina Got In

        For once in her god damn life Tori is the B-plot of this episode. She gets stuck in that one vaguely racist restaurant because she didn't bring any money to pay and she can't song and dance her way out of it this time. 

   Everyone else tells stories of how Trina got into Hollywood Arts. They're good.

it's a good episode, an 8/10 from me

Driving Tori Crazy

Driving Tori Crazy

     Tori gets a bunch of car rides from her friends.

           That's the entire plot. I don't know why. Apparently there's some movie being filmed by her house so instead of a 5 minute walk she now has to make a 20 minute drive? whatever

So everyone gives her a ride. I'll just run through it:

• Trina gives her a ride but she's annoying or something.
• Andre gives her a ride but his grandma lingers in the back seat and verbally assaults everyone
• Beck gives her a ride but is also getting road head from 4 girls at once drives 4 girls from a different school who are annoying or something
• Robbie gives her a ride but owns a pedal trolley instead of a car
• Cat offers to have her brother drive, but her brother is a schizophrenic maniac so Tori declines
• Jade gives her a ride, but is a schizophrenic maniac and Tori bails out of the car after bring driven to a desert with a shovel in the car
• Finally, Cat is able to rent a party bus for $20 for Tori. Tori- being a monster, insists that only she rides in the party bus and that Cat doesn't tell any of her friends who until this point were all just making genuine efforts to help their friend out. 

Anyway. So they're in the party bus and a parody of Sir Mix A Lot is the driver. The entire group does some half-rap that made me deeply embarrassed to watch.  Thats the episode.

It's good. It feels a bit like an Amanda Show skit or something, but it works out pretty well. The justification for why everyone has to give Tori a ride is pretty weak, but hey. I'd give this one an 8/10 

Side Notes:

• So Jade is now an actual murderer right? Normally her pranks were pretty limited to mildly inconveniencing people or threatening them. But no she's actually going to kill and bury Tori in this episode.
• That would be a flaw in the episode but Elizabeth Gilles does a really good job of delivering it. 
• If Tori was fine with paying $20 for a party bus just to get a ride to school, why didn't she simply take a taxi/uber/whatever to school every day?
• Probably because she is a monster.

The April Fools Blank

The April Fools Blank

   This one is a joke episode. The "premise" is that Tori s frustrated that no one at Hollywood Arts celebrates April Fools day- however during the entire episode inane and sporadic things happen without explanation. The principal from Saved By The Bell replaces Sikowitz for a moment before mugging Tori of her purse and running off, Andre asks about his faulty front loading washing machine, characters are referred to as their actors name and constantly break the fourth wall. There is a parody of The Wizard of Oz (which could be better, but isn't bad) as well as one of Match Game which was done surprisingly well. The episode ends with a middle aged man barging into Tori's house and asking for advice due to his wife saying he "Talks to much and doesn't dance" to which the cast responds by performing "Shut Up and Dance"; which is pretty funny as a sort of "in joke" on how often the show has conveniently placed premises to do a song and dance. 

  Drake Bell also shows up.

                  That's about it. I can't review much because there's no real plot to the episode- but it's done well and it's funny. The cast seems like they're actually having fun and ultimately I think the episode pays off very well.

8/10

Tori & Jade's Play Date

Tori & Jade's Play Date

    This one has 10 times as many views because everyone thinks it's porn.

It's not. In this episode Sikowitz says "Hey uh Tori and Jade how about yo be husband in wife in this play here" but follows up 5 minutes later by saying "Tori and Jade you two have terrible synergy you need to like hang out to become friends or whatever". So that's the A-plot.

            The B-plot is Cat and Robbie starting a little thing where they sing songs in order to bring bad news to people. It's pretty good. I've said it before but Robbie and Cat just do well in scenes together. I've also said before that due to the above every 11 year old in the country wants them to bang. Well I'm in too deep now because I want them to bang at this point.

Oh sorry I guess there's more to the A-plot. Tori and Jade hang out at that trendy Japanese restaurant for 16 year olds run by caricatures of Asian Americans. And they don't get along. But then two guys try and hit on them so they solve the problem in a creative way. How do they solve it you ask? You be the judge! Text your vote to 1-866-IDOLS:

A.) They do a song and dance

B.) They do a song and dance

C.) They do a song and dance

D.) They do a song and dance

                                                                                           You're right.

So they do that. And now they're friends I guess? Listen up fellas if you ever see two girls having interpersonal problems in a restaurant just sexually harass them. When you do things right people wont be sure you've done anything at all.

  The song is.. not great. It suffers from the curse of the show- which is that these are 17 year olds singing a 12 year olds kids bop album, so the "Sick burns" in the lyrics end up being a tasteful version of whatever insults the bullies used on me in the 7th grade.

 

 Anyway. It's a pretty good episode. There's some good banter between Beck and Andre (who are cast as twins despite Andre being black and Beck being Canadian) as well as Cat and Robbie (at one point Robbie gets rejected in a way that felt a little close the heart). I think the writers forgot how to write Jade. She yells "No!" a lot like it's her catch phrase but it feels like they just didn't have anything better for her to say whenever she does. All and all this feels like it would be better in season 1.  Nozu is a very gimmicky way to make the characters and setting feel "cool" while providing Tori a place to do song and dances; and it just doesn't make sense that after so many episodes where Jade and Tori become 'friends' they would still absolutely hate eachother in this one.

  That sounds like a critique, but it's still a decent episode all things considered. I'm Ari Shapiro, and this is an 8/10.

Andre's Horrible Girl

Andre's Horrible Girl

    You know I think Dan Schneider doesn't like interracial relationships. I really do. Andre has had like 4 girlfriends/dates and three of them were black and one was Latin American. It's 2012 Dan, comon.

Anyway, remember that slightly racist Asian character from Wok Star? She got promoted to being a recurring character I guess. Except now she owns a far more trendy looking restaurant called Nozu that apparently caters specifically to 17 year olds. Personally I'm just not into that. I like shows where the characters have these little hang out spots that feel realistic and average- but for some reason the trend in teen shows is increasingly making settings that appeal strictly to preteens.

  Whatever. So Andrew has a new girlfriend and she's just the worst. But she has money so who cares. No one really likes her, and while Andre says he has feelings for her he later reveals to Tori that he's only dating her because her father is some big music producer and he hopes to do a song and dance for him. Tori momentarily tries to do the right thing for once in her god damn life but is immediately tempted into just hoping on board and doing a song and dance for the producer- so she does that instead.

  Andre breaks up with this girl on her birthday and he and Tori do a song and dance, which the producer enjoys. There's more to this but let me get the B-plot first.

 The B-plot is really the strong part of this episode, which is fitting because it takes up about 40% of the episodes runtime.  Jade helps Cat dogsit, but breaks a guitar worth legitimately hundreds of thousands of dollars like an idiot. Luckily Cat calls Robbie over, who also brings Beck (oo see because Beck and Jade just broke up you know. How spicy) and together they just... fix the guitar? It was broken into like 5 pieces. The wood had splintered apart you can't just take a fucking screwdriver and like screw the frets bac

So they finish fixing everything. But then Robbie breaks everything again like an idiot. Why is Robbie an idiot now? He has been for the last like 3 episodes. The rich guy who Cat is dogsitting for is coming right to the door when a very convenient earthquake hits, breaking more things and giving the gang a convenient alibi. 

Hey, we're back to the A-plot now. So during Tori and Andre's song and dance the earthquake hits, causing a massive sign to donk Andre's (ex) girlfriend in the head in a way that would make you legitimately concerned she was dead in real life. Thankfully she's just concussed- basically anyone who is annoying in a Dan Schneider show ends up wounded at the end. The producer (who is also this girls father) neglects seeing his daughter in the hospital and instead says "Or... lets hear Tori and Andre's song again!" in a manner that is absolutely baffling for a grown man to be saying about a song composed for 11 year olds. Props to the actor though, he seems to be having fun with it.

  That's about it. It's a good episode, with the B-plot shining through as particularly good and the A-plot being fairly standard. It just feels like it's missing a feeling that came with the first season though. It's not really a show about going to this new crazy prestigious high school anymore, so what is it? The show seems to have lost a bit of it's identity and attempts to make up for it by increasingly making the characters more and more volatile and eccentric. It's still a good episode, but it doesn't really provide that sense of escapism I originally watched this children's show for.

8/10

Side Notes:

•  Jade and Cat are best friends, with Cat being one of if not the only people Jade is casual and polite around. But for some reason Jade acts pretty antagonistically to her during the entire episode.

• Beck does a lot of like.. holding Cat during this episode? It kind of makes sense during the earthquake but not really. I like to imagine that Avan Jogia  was like "Yeah no I REALLY think that Beck should be holding Cat from behind in this scene. Maybe he takes a whiff of her hair what do you think Dan"