Wok Star

Wok Star

   That's it. I think I've really lost my god damn mind. I don't know what it is but for the life of me I can't figure out the first minute of this episode. Beck walks up and Tori says "hey Beck!" and he looks around just like.. like he can't see them. And then what seems to be a blooper was just left in the episode.  Tori stumbles for a moment while standing still before cutting back to speaking normally; complete with Ariana Grande laughing in the background and everything. Normally this wouldn't bother me too much, but the entire time there is an extra wearing a tricorn hat in the background as if mocking me for mocking the constant use of fedoras in this show.

  This episode is called Wok Star. Don't worry, if you think just because it's called "Wok Star" it's going to contain  a vaguely offensive stereotypical Chinese accent- you're right. It does. 

   At one point in this episode Rex is referred to as a puppet and Robbie sighs before saying ".. Its not a puppet". What else is it then? I'm never clear on how the show wants to treat Rex as a character.

 

   So the owner of a Chinese restaurant agrees to financially produce Jades play. I'm now realizing I haven't talked about the plot of this episode at all. Jade wants to make a play but doesn't have the money. So the owner of a Chinese restaurant agrees to financially produce Jades play.  But like most producers she wants to make a few (terrible) changes to it. Jade is wearing that one interns Gears of War bag again, but the strap is changed. 

   Anyway. Turns out Jade just has daddy issues and her dad hates artists, so her play has to be just right for him. The groups creates a plan to lure the asian producer out of the show the day Jade's dad attends. The play happens and it goes over well. Surprise surprise, the play ends with a girl being revived by her fathers love. Get it? It's poetry. Josh Peck makes a guest appearance.

   It's a decent one. Once again Tori has absolutely no role in this episode and mainly just serves to stand around and take credit for things going well. There's a poker scene near the middle of the episode I appreciate- as any dialogue between the group just hanging out tends to be pretty pleasant.  Overall this episode just felt like a fever dream. The sound effects are weird, that whole opening scene is baffling, and I kept expecting to wake up on the floor of an isolation cell mid episode.

8/10

The Great Ping Pong Scam

The Great Ping Pong Scam

    I'll be honest, I liked this one. It really plays to the shows strengths and creates a storyline that feels realistic with some creative liberties. 

   It starts with Tori talking to Robbie, Andre, and Cat. They allude to a ping-pong team they're a part of, and while Tori initially doubts them she ends up wanting to join- feeling that her 5 other (much more pleasant and interesting) friends are leaving her behind. It's a nice little story, and it works for two reasons:

   1. Tori is made to feel like an outsider at the school still. This works because Hollywood Arts simply functions well when it's a bit mysterious and has this grandeur to it. The idea of her friends being in a secret club without her has the same impact as if they were secretly wizards. It makes the school feel natural and less like it revolves around Tori. 

   2. It gives a lot of weight to the 5 other members of the cast. For one of the first times in this show they really feel like a group of friends who have fun together and have known eachother for years before Tori. 

  So anyway. Tori ends up trying out for the team. The captain (Jade) denies her entry, and I almost don't blame her. This has been her and her friend's group for 2 years. No one seems to particularly want Tori. Despite this Tori (who in hindsight is generally just a bad person at this point) sneaks into the club room to eavesdrop on her friends hanging out. They discover her, and recount the 'secret' of the Ping Pong team in series of little flashbacks: The team doesn't actually compete, they simply buy trophies with part of the endowment the school gives them and then uses the rest to get a nice dinner. It's a fun idea, and provides even more rationale onto why Tori can't join (they would have to pay for her dinner too, then). Despite this, Tori just blackmails them into letting her join or else she'll tell on them. Literally why are any of these people friends with Tori.

  At this point the episode should be more or less over, but in an odd twist we actually see them going out to dinner with Sikowitz. Robbie orders $600 worth of caviar on accident - which probably wouldn't be a huge deal but now they have to also pay for Tori's dumb ass.  

Sikowitz dines and dashes just as some middle aged man acting for the first time in his life says "We don't have music!?! These people are getting upset! They come here for the classy music!". Wow, I wonder what will happen next. Take your pick:

A.) The group brainstorms a well thought out and clever way to pay the restaurant back 

B.) The group follows suit with Sikowitz and slowly escapes the restaurant, maybe leaving Robbie.

C.) Tori solves everything with the power of song and dance.

It's the last one.

Tori says "I can perform!" and this dude says sure and offers to apparently waive a $600 fee for a single song performed by a 17 year old. She performs some duet laying on top of a piano and the entire restaurant, (including several grown men who apparently own the place) jive to it and are so entranced by it in a way that makes me deeply uncomfortable.  

   So this should be a really great episode and set the benchmark for what an episode of this show should look like, but the last 6 minutes are so are the most awkwardly ham handed way to end the episode with Tori singing a song. It seems clear to me that Dan really wanted this show to sell loads of albums and function like an ensemble version of Hannah Montana, but it never quite feels natural.

  Despite this, the first half is very good- and I often wish the ping pong rec room would be brought back as a hangout spot for the group as an iconic location for the show. The last 6 minutes should have been scrapped with the flashback scenes being the main focus of the episode- but oh well. Still a solid and very memorable episode.

8/10

The Wood

The Wood

    The B-Plot of this episode is Robbie and Trina assaulting an immigrant to take his job. Truly this is Trump's America. 

    This episode actually has a few good jokes, and the plot isn't bad. There's some reality TV show going through town recruiting teenagers to be in it- but surprise surprise they end up making everyone look bad. It's really odd for Nick to be essentially rehashing the Robarazzi script within the same season, but I suppose they don't expect people to be streaming the episodes one at a time. The main difference is that in this episode the gang ends up playing along with The Wood producers until they destroy an immigrants car and the program is canceled.

   Cat's not in this episode. She tends to be one of the better characters- but it seems like her absence just made it so Dan actually had to write jokes for other characters. I wont list them off because I'm not a psychopath, but they're pretty solid. 

   I would say it's a good episode, however it does end up feeling a bit forgettable. There's really no conflict to speak of outside a 2 minute segment in the middle when they're 'tricked' by the producers. A pretty safe, clean episode. I'd give it an 8/10.

Sleepover at Sikowitz's

Sleepover At Sikowitz's

    I was initially looking forward to this episode. I was longing for a plot that takes place outside of the school and can branch out it's jokes and themes while also centering in on the main group.

   It's not great. Sikowitz- thinking his class is composed of garbage actors, invites the 6 most attractive and trendy ones into his house to sleep there overnight. I assume this is something that happens in private schools.

        

                Each member of the group gets a "silly role" they have to act out, with breaking character meaning they get kicked out of the house. That's about it. The entire episode leans on the premise of "silly characters" and therefore doesn't have any meaningful or witty conversation.

   The B-Plot is all the 'losers' (Starting with Robbie) barging into Tori's house while her parents try to rail. 

    I don't know. I don't want to say it's badly thought out. It's just not for me. This entire show isn't, but in particular this episode. A lot of 'well-renown' nick/teen nick shows (Spongebob, Drake and Josh, etc) are so popular because they appeal to nearly anyone aged 5-23~. This episode seems like it's targeting the lower half of the spectrum.

8/10

Cat's New Boyfriend

Cat's New Boyfriend 

    Must be nice. 

         Some dude who clearly isn't ever going to return after this episode transfers to Hollywood Arts. Actually he doesn't transfer, he just lingers in the halls like a maniac because he's dating Cat. And he used to date Tori. We are told this no less than 5 times.

     This episode is also where Dan Schneider starts to get weird. Dan has a rumored reputation for being a career pedophile who constantly puts his kinks into shows. I don't know if it's true, I don't really care. But nearly all of his shows inevitably end up having 12-18 year old girl actors barefooted and talking about their feet. He might just be uncreative with his jokes, but it sure makes the B-plot of this episode (half of the group taking their shoes off) uncomfortable. I want to believe in him, but he makes it so difficult.

   Anyway. Nothing happens for 17 minutes. After that Tori kisses Cat's New Boyfriend (hey, that's the title of the episode) for no real reason. Cat is understandably mad and then.. nothing happens. Tori tracks a distressed Cat down and says ".. I would punch me in the face if I were you" which Cat takes literally, and that's it. We never see the boyfriend again, Tori is never forgiven (and fails to even give a justification for what she did), but everyone seems vaguely happy in the end. 

   Overall it's a pretty sloppy episode. It feels as if someone wrote the premise "Cat dates Tori's ex" and just rambled for 26 minutes.We know innately there is conflict due to the situation, but we never become connected to it because no one actually speaks their feelings. 8/10

  

The Diddly Bops

The Diddly Bops

   the group joins a childrens band or something

             8/10

Rex Is Dead

Rex Is Dead

  Welcome back. I am still watching a show made for children.       This one is called Rex is Dead. Must be nice.

    Near the start of this episode Tori refers to Rex as Robbie, which seems to affirm that at some level everyone is cognizant of the lack of distinction between the two. There's some funny dialogue in this episode, but for the most part I hate the premise. There's some skit that Robbie's a part of and Rex gets destroyed so he (the puppet which is an actual puppet and in no way a living entity) goes to a human hospital. Tori works with Sinjin (The rapist). There might be important dialogue during this, but they constantly put an extra with a plaid fedora in the background and it causes me to disconnect for a bit.

  The B-plot is Andre trying to act-cry. Cat helps him out by spraying him with pepper spray. Must be nice.

   We're only 9 minutes into this god da

You know what, maybe I don't hate this episode. When Rex "dies" Tori and everyone promises to take him to a hospital for Robbie. Beck tells Cat "We're not actually taking him to a hospital" and in a brief moment of clarity Jade says "It's not good for a 16 year old guy to have to go through life with his hand shoved up a... that.". This is delivered like only she could say this because she's cold and ruthless, but she is literally the only person making a genuine effort to recover her friend from a life of schizophrenic delusion. She even asserts he would be sad for a bit but then get over it and become a normal person. 

  Woulden't it be great if the episode continued on this route and had the gang make the difficult choice to assist their friend as he transitions into a functioning adult after being ridiculed for years for having a co-dependency with a puppet?

             It doesn't. They take the puppet to a hospital and at the last minute Tori pretends that Rex makes a sporadic recovery- much to the groups (and my) chagrin.

    Cat has another B-plot where she is mistaken for being mentally handicapped. 

 fuck I hate that puppet

8/10

 

Dale Squires

Dale Squires

    Do you ever watch some youtube account from 4 years ago that does covers of songs and wonder what that person is doing now?

    Sikowitz hasn't been in an episode for a while. Maybe his actor thought it was a part time gig. Instead there is a teacher with a massive Hot Topic belt buckle introducing another man (who is apparently a hot shot director) also wearing a massive belt buckle. The director is making a short film with the students. Not all of them are actually acting though, just the popular 6 or so that we normally follow around. The rest of them presumably have to do calculus and actually learn things in their spare time.

  So they make some horror/romance/drama movie. It looks bad, but we're told it's good. The director (Dale Squires) takes all the credit despite not doing anything and the gang is upset. This lasts for about 5 minutes until the director goes on a Jimmy Fallon parody and gives everyone credit before Andre's cousin assaults him on live TV for $50. 

  The B-Plot is Beck and Robbie fixing Robbie's car, which is then stolen. It's a pretty weak B-plot and basically rambles with the premise that girls like mechanic guys for a few minutes throughout the episode. It seems like it could be funny but it's ultimately uninspired and feels like Dan just reached into a jar of B-plot ideas and pulled one out at random.

  I think the biggest problem with this episode is time. The main conflict isn't established until some 15 or so minutes in (note that episodes are maybe 26 minutes total), and when it is established the gang comes up with a scheme in about a minute that ends up not paying off anyway. It makes the episode feel very inconsequential. Without the scheme to have Andre's cousin beat up Dale Squire the plot is essentially a minor inconvenience that the characters go through.  The idea of the gang making a movie is interesting, but the show doesn't have enough time to cause us to be at all invested in it, and it feels much more like they made a 5 minute youtube video for fun.

  The premise seems like it would be much better served for some season finale movie episode with Dale as the antagonist, but as it is it ends up being ultimately forgettable. Despite this, it has one of the only lines that made me chuckle- which is Cat asserting that a dry political joke the Fallon parody made was 'so off the cuff'. So I'll give it an 8/10.